Hi, Milton. What's happening?
I was... I-I... I didn't receive my paycheck this week.
Uh, you're going to have to talk to Payroll about that.
I did and they said...
Milt, we're going to need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage "B."
- No, I-I was told I could not... - We have some new people coming in...
- No. There's... - and we need all the space we can get.
- But there's no space... - So if you could just go ahead...
- and pack up your stuff...
and move it down there, that would be terrific... mm-kay?
I was told I could stay... -
Excuse me.
I believe you have my stapler, please. Mmm.
Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
- Good one. - Oh, that's terrific, Peter.
I-I'm sure you've... you've heard some of the rumors...
circulating around the hallways about how we're going to be doing...
a little "housecleaning" with some of the software people.
Well, Bob, I have heard that, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
We're gonna be getting rid of these people here.
First, Mr. Samir Naga...
- He... He... Naga... - Naga...
Not gonna work here anymore anyway.
And Mr. Mike Bolton. Nobody's gonna miss him.
You're gonna layoff Samir and Michael?
Ah, yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates.
Farm some work out to Singapore. That's the usual deal.
- It's standard operating procedure. - Do they know this yet?
No. No, of course not.
We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday.
Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident...
if you do it at the end of the week.
Peter, what we'd like to do is put you into position...
to have as many as four people working right underneath you.
- This is a big promotion, Pete. - It's huge.
So you're going to fire Michael and Samir and you're going to give me more money?
- Hmm? - Wow!
Hmm. Yeah. That's it.
That's exactly what I need. Uh-huh. Give it to me.
Come on, you little fucker. Let's go. That's what I need.
Let's do that. Let's do exactly that, you little fuck...
- Michael. - Hey.
Listen to me.
What are you doing tonight?
Michael, there comes a point in a man's life...
and maybe that time for you is now...
when it doesn't hurt to start thinking about the future.
Uh, no offense there, Peter, but speak for yourself there, sport.
I'm not the one who's been flakin' out at work.
I know you had this religious experience or whatever the hell that was...
but you'd better snap out of it and get your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.
Yeah, and, uh, and I... Listen.
That virus you're always talking about, right?
The one that could rip off the company for a bunch of money.
- Yeah, what about it? - Well, how does it work?
It's pretty brilliant.
What it does is, every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed...
you know, thousands a day, the computer ends up...
with these fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off.
What this does is, it takes those little remainders and puts it into an account.
- This sounds familiar. - Yeah, they did it in Superman III.
- Right, uh... - An underrated movie, actually.
And a bunch of hackers did it in the '70s as well. One of them got busted.
- Well, so they check for this now. - No, here's the thing.
Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000...
they'd never notice.
You're right.
And even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.
Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.
So, Michael, what's to stop you from doing this?
It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
What if you didn't have a good job?
Cock-gobblers!
Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place.
And you, you haven't been showin' up, and you get to keep your job.
- Actually, I'm being promoted. - What?
I know, Michael. It's completely unfair.
And I realized something today.
It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing.
It's about all of us together.
I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist...
and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now...
but when I saw that fat man keel over and die...
Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth.
We weren't meant to spend it this way.
Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles...
staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms...
and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Oh. That is not right, Michael.
For five years now, you've worked your ass off at Initech...
hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit-sharing or something.
Five years of your mid-20s now gone.
And you're gonna go in tomorrow, they're gonna throw you out on the street.
You know why?
So that Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point.
Ugh.
Michael, let's make that stock go down...
and let's take enough money out of that place...
so that we never ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again.
Your software works, right?
Of course it works. That's not the point.
Look, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to install it.
I don't know the credit union's software well enough. Okay?
Yeah.
But Samir does.
- But, Peter, that's not much money. - That's the beauty of it.
Each withdrawal, that's a fraction of a cent. That's too small to notice.
But a few thousand withdrawals a day, you space it out over a couple of years...
that's a few hundred thousand dollars.
- It's like Superman III. - Superman III... What...
Look, I have to leave now.
I have to get my résumé ready.
Get your résumé ready? For what? For another job where they can just fire you for no reason?
That's right! If I'm lucky!
I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Yes, Peter! But I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Illegal? Samir, this is America!
Come on. Sit down.
Come on. This isn't Riyadh.
They're not gonna saw your hands off here, all right?
The worst they would ever do is, they would put you, for a couple of months...
into a white-collar, minimum-security resort.
Shit, we should be so lucky!
- Do you know they have conjugal visits there? - Really?
- Yes. - Shit.
I'm a free man, I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
- So, what do you think? - This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.
Samir...
you came here looking for a land of opportunity...
and this is the knock of that opportunity.
Tomorrow's your last day at Initech.
You have two options: unemployment or early retirement.
What's it gonna be?
- I have a question. - Yes?
In... In these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Yep. You sure can.
Okay, I'll do it.
That's what I'm talking about when I talk about Amer...
- Peter? How about we discuss the plan? - Okay, yeah. Good. Right.
It works like a computer virus.
All we have to do is load it into the credit union mainframe, and it'll do the rest.
Okay. You guys get me that disk, and I'll take care of it from there.
But listen, before we go any further...
we have to swear to God, Allah...
that nobody knows about this but us.
All right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
- Of course. - Agreed.
Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone either!
- What the fuck is that? - No, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right.
Here's how I see it all going down.
Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.
- Thank you, Bob. - We'll get some people under you right away.
Hey, how's it goin'?
- Well, that was easy. - Yeah, I guess it was.
- What'd you do with the c... - Hey, man.
Oh, hey, Drew.
- You guys hear about Tom Smykowski? - What, that he got laid off?
No, man. Check it out.
Last week, right after he found out he was getting laid off...
he goes home and tries to kill himself by running the car in the garage.
- Is he dead? - No, man. Check it out.
That wife of his comes home early from work and catches him.
- So he tries to play it off like nothing happened.
I was having some trouble with the shifter here.
It's jammed, and I couldn't get it into drive.
- I-I-I mean, reverse. - You okay, Tom?
- Then, as he's looking at her... - Yeah.
- he decides he wants to live. - Yeah, I think I'm okay.
- Right. - Seems to be working now.
See ya later, honey!
Love ya!
But then, as soon as he backs out of his driveway...
Bam! He gets slammed big-time by a drunk driver!
- Is he okay? - Sort of.
He broke both his wrists, legs, couple of ribs, his back.
But he's gonna get a huge settlement out of this, like, seven figures.
He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow.
He's gonna throw a party this weekend to celebrate. We're all invited.
I'm thinkin' I might take that new chick from Logistics.
Things go well, I might be showin' her my "O" face.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about.
"Oh!"
Yeah. Right. See you guys there.
Wow. Our last day at Initech.
I can't believe they had Security escort us out.
Like we're going to steal something.
- I stole something. - Oh, yeah. Guess we all did.
No, I stole something else.
What did you steal?
Call it a going-away present.
Who's got my keys?
- I'm driving. Not you. - Everything is gonna be okay. All right?
- Peter... Peter... - Okay? It's fun, and it's exciting.
- Be serious. - I gotta go. All right?
Joanna's coming over. All right? Don't worry.
You're worrying. All right?
Monday morning we're gonna check the account balance. Everything'll be okay.
Don't miss Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there. All right?
Good night.
Hey, what were you guys celebrating last night?
Uh... I'm not really at liberty to talk about it.
I really can't.
All right, so when the subroutine compounds the interest...
it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off.
So we simplified the whole thing...
and we just... we round 'em all down and drop the remainder...
into an account that we opened.
So, you're stealing.
Uh, no. You don't understand.
It's, uh... It's very complicated.
It's, uh... It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here.
And, uh, over time they add up to a lot.
Oh, okay. So, you're gonna make a lot of money, right?
- Yeah. - Right? That's not yours?
- Uh, well, it becomes ours. - How is that not stealing?
I don't think, uh... I don't think that I'm explaining this very well.
- Um, the 7-Eleven, right? - Mm-hmm.
You'd take a penny from the tray.
- From the crippled children? - No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray.
The... You know, the pennies for everybody.
Oh. For everybod... Okay.
Yeah, well, those are whole pennies. All right?
I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here.
But we do it from a much bigger tray a couple of million times.
So what's wrong with that?
- I don't know. It just seems wrong. - It's not wrong.
Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation.
Chotchkie's is wrong.
Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Well, maybe you should.
You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
What?
Look, we don't... I-I...
We don't have to talk about this now.
- Let's just go to the barbecue. - Okay.
Michael! Samir! How you doin'?
- Hey, Tom. - Hello, Tom.
I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Rob Newhouse.
- Rob, Michael, Samir. - How you doing?
Peter! How are you? I'm glad you could make it.
Tom, hi. This is somebody I'd like you to meet.
- This is Joanna. - Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.
Uh... Uh, Peter, come here a minute. I wanna show you something.
Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.
Huh! That's exactly as you described it.
Uh, listen, I heard about your settlement.
- Congratulations. - Well, thanks, Peter.
You know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to talk to you.
I know how you get depressed about your job and all.
I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way.
- Really? - Sure!
Maybe I didn't whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more than you.
And I've been doing it for over 30 years.
- Wow. - Just remember.
If you hang in there long enough...
good things can happen in this world.
I mean, look at me.
Thanks, Tom.
Oh, sure.
Conjugal visits? Not that I know of.
A minimum-security prison is no picnic.
I have a client in there right now.
He says, the trick is, kick someone's ass the first day...
or become someone's bitch.
Then everything'll be all right.
Why do you ask, anyway?
Oh, no, we were just... Sorry. Sorry.
- Hey, Peter. - Drew.
That's somethin' about ol' Smykowski, huh?
- Yeah. - Lucky bastard.
Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Yeah.
Who's she here with?
She's with me.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right, Peter. Ooh! Ooh!
Right on.
Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Why is that, Drew?
Are you kidding me? She gets around.
All right?
She does, does she?
Oh, yeah, like a record.
Like, with who?
Oh, let's see, uh...
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
Let me see who else.
Uh, Dick Rennie...
- Lumbergh? - Eric Louis...
So, what if... Oh. What if you get caught?
I just don't know if this was such a good idea.
Yeah, well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with Lumbergh.
What?
What are you...
Oh, right. Lumbergh.
Aah!
Oh... God. Lumbergh.
Peter, what is wrong with you?
That was, like, two years ago. What, did you know him?
Yeah, I know him. I know him. He's my boss.
He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!
Oh, he's not that disgusting.
He represents all that is soulless and wrong!
- And you slept with him. - Hey!
That is none of your business. Okay?
I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together. I don't care.
Well, I didn't think you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
Listen to you.
Who do you think you are? How dare you judge me.
I mean, what are you? Some kind of angel here?
No, you’re just this penny-stealing...
wannabe criminal... m-man.
Yeah, well, that may be...
but at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
Okay, that's... I'm done. I wanna get out of the car.
- Fine. - Stop!
Just call me when you grow up.
You know, that's never gonna happen. So just don't call me.
Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh... fucked her.
That's great.
I mean, she was seein' the "O" face, for sure!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Sexy. Ooh. - Ooh! Ooh!
If you could go ahead and just move a little bit to the lef... That's it.
Great.
Peter! What's happening?
Um, could you get me those T.P.S. reports AS AP; Mm-kay?
- Joanna. - Yeah?
We need to talk.
Do you know what this is about?
My, uh... flair?
Yeah.
Or, uh, your lack of flair.
Because, uh, I'm counting and I only see 15 pieces.
Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
What do you think of a person...
who only does the bare minimum?
Huh. What do I thi... Uh, you know what, Stan?
If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair...
like your pretty boy over there, Brian...
why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do.
I do wanna express myself. Okay? And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
All right?
There's my flair. Okay?
And this is me expressing myself.
Okay?
There it is.
I hate this job. I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it!
Oh, shit.
- Shit! Shit! - Oh, shit.
Son of a bitch! Shit!
- This is a... Fuck! I... I... - Son of a bitch!
- Shit! - What happened?
- You tell me, Michael! It's your software! - Yes! It's your software!
Corporate Accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,3...
26.13, Michael!
Oh, shit!
They probably won't know it's gone for another three or four days.
Michael, you said the thing was gonna take two years!
What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work!
- Technically, it did work. - No, it didn't!
It did not work, Michael! Okay?
Okay, okay! Okay. Okay.
I must've put a decimal point in the wrong place or something.
Shit, I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
Oh! Well, this is not a mundane detail, Michael!
Hey, quit getting pissed at me.
This was all your idea, asshole.
All right. Okay. Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.
Let's just try to figure this thing out together.
The first thing we gotta do is close that account before it gets any bigger.
Doesn't that look terrific.
Mmm!
Here, Peg. You wanna get everybody started there?
Mmm! Oh, that is terrific.
- Just terrific. Thanks, everybody. - Thank you.
Really. I really, really appreciate it. It's very special.
Now, Milton! Don't be greedy!
Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
'Kay, but last time I didn't receive a piece, and I was told that...
- Just pass. - Okay.
But this... this... If... There... There...
I just... See, the cake...
There's lots of cake, but there's...
The ratio of people to cake is...
All I want is a piece of cake...
I think there's... there's a piece of...
I could set the building on fire.
I-Is there some way to just give the money back?
What, do you mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing?
I think they'd figure that out.
Well, we have to do something.
Maybe we could launder the money.
That's a great idea.
- Okay, how do we do that? - I don't... I don't know.
I don't even know what it means. I was hoping you knew.
- I think coke dealers do it. - All right, do we know any coke dealers?
M-My cousin's a cokehead.
Fuck. We're in deep shit.
Yes, we are in very deep shit.
Milton.
- Yes? - What's happening?
- I wanted to see you... - Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?
Wh... No.
Since you're down here, it would be really great if you could just sort of...
take care of the cockroach problem we've been having in here.
No, that's really not my job, and I... I haven't received my paycheck...
So, for now why don't you get yourself a flashlight...
and a can of pesticide and crawl back...
Bill? We need you upstairs right away.
We got a big problem. Big.
Some major glitch in Accounting.
- A lot of money missing. - Hmm.
We've got an investigator here.
Excuse me?
Excuse me!
Well... okay, but... that's the last straw.
Here we go. Here we go.
Uh, "launder."
"To clean..." No. "Wash."
Here it is: "To conceal the source of money...
as by channeling it through an intermediary."
"To conceal a source of money..."
That doesn't really help us, Michael.
I can't believe what nerds we are...
looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
Yeah, well...
you guys can both eat my ass.
I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh. That's what I can't believe.
- You didn't know that? - Yeah. You didn't know that?
A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.
You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy? The young guy?
Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill?
Fuckin'... Their children would have hooves.
Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
Who's that?
All right, nobody panic. Probably just Lawrence.
Good evening. My name is Steve. I come from a rough area.
I used to be addicted to crack, but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.
- Okay. - That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
- No. - W-W-Wait a minute.
You used to be addicted to crack?
Yeah, b...
Um, w...
Look, I'm very sorry.
I do not know anything about any money laundering.
No, we're not asking you about money laundering.
- We need you to hook us up with... - Michael, he doesn't know anybody.
No, wait... wait a minute. Look.
You just give us the name of one drug dealer. I could talk to him.
- I have good networking skill... - I lied.
All that stuff I said about being a crackhead just helps me sell magazines.
I'm actually an unemployed software engineer.
- You're a software engineer? - Yep.
Things, uh, must be very rough for you.
Actually, man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions...
than I ever did at Initrode.
At Initrode?
Wait a minute. You're not gonna tell anybody about this stuff we told you.
I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's...
Actually, um, that all depends.
Wh...
What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
We never should have done this. What were we thinking?
You know what I can't figure out?
How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal mafia guys can be so good at crime...
and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
We're new to it, though.
If we had more experience...
No, you know what I think? I think we're screwed.
There's enough evidence all over that building to link us to this.
Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to. What we've done is bad enough.
We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison.
No, no, no, we're going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
I-I-I don't want to go to any prison!
Why the hell did I do this?
I've never done anything wrong in my whole life.
We weren't thinking clearly because you told us we were losing our jobs.
And now we're worried about going in a prison.
Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
- I'm going home. - Me too.
You are a very bad person, Peter.
Lawrence, you awake?
Yeah.
You wanna come over?
No, thanks, man. I don't want you fuckin' up my life too.
Goddamn.
And in light of the senselessness of these heinous crimes...
that you have committed against Initech...
I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton...
and Samir Naan...
Nanadajibad...
to a term of no less than four years...
in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
Peter Gibbons...
you've led a trite and meaningless life.
And you're a very bad person.
Hey.
You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?
No. No, I got fired.
What happened?
I flipped off my boss...
some customers...
Actually, a line cook, but he just happened to be standing there, so...
I might be going away for a while...
uh, to jail.
You were right about that computer scam. That was a bad idea.
I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided.
I'm on my way now to return the money and leave a confession...
under Lumbergh's door.
Joanna, I want to apologize.
I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem.
Wasn't even the right Lumbergh.
I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy...
like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.
Peter, most people don't like their jobs.
But you go out there and you find something that makes you happy.
Yeah, well...
I may never be happy at my job...
but I think that if I could be with you...
that I could be happy with my life.
I've been a real asshole.
But if you could give it another shot, I promise...
Okay, shut up.
Whoa! Hey! What's going on here?
Get a room, you two!
Nyah-nyah-nyah!
I hate that guy.
Then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to Payroll...
and then Payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
I still haven't received my paycheck, and he took my stapler.
He never brought it back.
Then they moved by desk to storage room "B" and there was garbage on it...
Why don't you go back down and sit at your desk.
- Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute. - I want to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
Just go sit at your desk. Okay?
Okay, but I... I... I'm gonna just...
I'm telling you right now, my desk is located in the basement.
I'm sure you know where it is.
I'm just gonna have to take my stapler back.
Because it's my stapler, and I told Mr... It's my... It's...
It's my stapler. It's a Swingline.
I've been using it for a long time.
It doesn't bind up...
Lawrence. You in there?
Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.
Hey.
- So, I might be going away for a while. - Yeah, I know, man.
It's a bummer, dude. What can I say?
Yeah. Uh...
Well, time to go face the music.
You take care of yourself if I don't see you. All right?
- You too, man. Take 'er easy, bud. - All right.
All right.
- Hey, Peter. - Yeah?
Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
Okay, Lawrence.
Stay clear, now! Stay clear!
Holy shit!
Excuse me.
And, uh... I mean, can I... I was here first. I have to...
Oh, gosh.
Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
You don't want that, Peter, man. That's toasted, man.
I think I know someone who might want this.
Hey, man!
Wanna go to lunch?
Brought mine in a pail.
Plus, Joanna's supposed to come by a little later.
So, how do you like your new job?
Not too bad. Not too bad.
How's, uh, Penetrode?
- Intertrode. - Intertrode.
- They're all right. - It's work.
Yeah. Yeah.
Probably get you a job there if you want.
No, thanks. I, uh... I'm doing good here.
So, uh...
we're gonna be okay, right?
Yeah.
I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
I wonder if the money burned up.
It would be a shame.
Yeah.
So you're sure you don't want us to get you a job?
That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.
- Okay. - All right, chief.
- You guys take care. All right? - All right.
Stay in touch, man.
Okay. Will do.
This isn't so bad, huh?
Making bucks, getting exercise...
working outside.
Fuckin'-A.
Excuse me. Excuse me, señor.
May I speak to you, please?
I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a piña colada.
And I said no salt... no salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it.
Lo siento mucho, señor. Pinche gringo.
If this happens again, I won't be leaving a tip.
'Cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down.
Sir?
I could take my traveler's checks to a competing resort.
I could write a letter to your board of tourism...
and I could have this place condemned.
I could put... I could put strychnine in the guacamole.
There was salt on the glass. Big grains of salt.
Give her a ride on the old bone roller coaster.
Aaaah!
Hey, don't come back in a dress, man!
You big fag!
I'm working at Hooters now, and it's very cool.